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Impressie management & codependentie

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Codependents practice impression management. They do their utmost to make a good impression on the other person, even if it requires them to distort and twist reality. It's lying but that's not what the codependent is about, it's about the support he needs from the other.

I know it very well from my own life, I weighed everything I did and said to make sure it had the effect I wanted. I always pretended to be good and 'happy' even though deep down I felt very different and often lonely and isolated, I overruled myself resulting in a crisis.

If you tend to impress someone else, are you often impressed by that other person and therefore allow yourself to be controlled by that other person without wanting to.

The codependent who practices impression management knows exactly what the other wants from him and responds to it, even if it's at his own expense. He wants to do it 'right' at all costs and therefore does not do it well. Hyper Intention repels the desired.

As a codependent I was the good marketing manager who responded to the needs of the customer, I forgot my own needs, I thought they were of minor importance, I survived and I thought I was good. The lack of self-reflection is characteristic of the codependent.

The reflection also does not come from the other person because they are fine with you responding to their needs, so it suits them well, they enjoy it and benefit from it and so don't say anything or they don't even notice that you do impression management. It is only the few who really perceive and see, the masses are easily misled by your mister nice guy show. In fact, you are confirmed in your show and then your behavior is reinforced and it repeats itself and you remain a prisoner of your own play.. Shakespeare said that we all play a role on the stage of life…

Because of my crisis I came to self-reflection and only became aware of what I was doing and so I could do something about it and came to self-reflection and learned a lot from it.

People pleasers are the codedependent impression management people par excellence, they want to please everyone and make everyone happy even if they are unhappy themselves. In the background, the fear of exposure constantly plays a role, so the codependent always has to be on his guard and can't relax and that stress causes many other problems.

Ontkenning van je codependentie

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The denial of reality is a codependent draw. Fleeing in an illusion, get a lie than the preferred.

Deniers simply call their situation and normal and so do nothing. Maslow gods:"What people call normal is the psychopathology of the average person '. Who is quite normal is not quite normal.

I spoke to a woman I'll call Carla. I remarked to her that she was not so kind to her inner child, a typical codependent draw. I asked Carla how her family was where she grew up. She said: "Oh, I grew up in a very happy family, my parents were very loving '. I did not believe her and suspected her to be in denial of the unpleasant reality and early so by: "How was your father for you," I asked. "My father was never there," she said casually. I knew immediately what it was and told her in the lurch as also her inner child showed just as her father had abandoned.

There is a story of a master who talked about to mention the miserable condition of a student without his name. When the master had finished said this student: "I'm so glad you're not talking about me, one who you are describing is miserable "So many of us are also in denial and so bad we know ourselves.

Nancy Groom lists a number of consequences of denial, calls them:

-spitituele sterility

-loss of authenticity

-lack of intimacy

I would add that:

-alienation from your true self

-a major blockade on self-knowledge and self-reflection

-displacement of anger

Nancy Groom writes: "A friend of mine asked me: "How long do you think my husband was a stranger to me '. I answered:"He's always been a stranger to himself, For his motives, emotions and needs, how can he reveal himself to you as he does not even know who he is!’. It is impossible to share what you do not know and do not know. Until we reach out to our pain and joy we can not empathize with us in the pain and joy of others.

Many of us deny that we are spiritual beings having a human experience and that keeps the codependency in position.

Ingeborg Bosch talks about the defense of old pain she calls "Denial of needs'. The most difficult to overcome defenses because you say that with you nothing is wrong. You are perfectly imperfect and so there is always something going on!.

Denial is an act of violence to yourself, You will be your own enemy(see anger to yourself, be your own enemy). Nietzsche said: ‘Hoeveel waarheid kan een mens verdragen, how much truth he dares "The truth makes many people angry, they want to hear of it because it is a threat to their idealized self-image that they want at all costs to maintain.

Caution but how quickly people with clearance but yes(so no) and then deny what you said to them about themselves. We do see the speck in the eye of the other, but not the beam in our own eye does the Bible.

You can not acquire mastery over the things you do not want to know and do not know, you will remain a slave, a victim and a robot, programmed by others.

In the dysfunctional family in which the codependent grew up has never been a strong emotional bond between parents and children, therefore the children to think that an emotional bond does not exist and deny them thus and thus they deny any intimniteit and may also enter into any emotional connection to another. They have a distorted image of God, themselves and others who love them for the truth, with all the disastrous consequences of such a. They also deny the love within themselves, the love that they are essentially, a kind of spiritual suicide is so. Real connections they do not know and thus deny them

In codependency there is only bondage, in interdependence, there is communion with God, themselves and others.

Codependents deny their real self and create a false, unreal itself to survive. The experience of the real self is too painful for them, So they flee to. The fair itself is abused in the dysfunctional family, ignored, gekleineerd, etc so the codependent taught as a child that's not okay his real self and creates a false self or ego and lives in constant fear that false self is punctured and are onmaskerd.

They keep themselves very much in fear that the other person finds out how they really are, so there is no initimiteit but detachment and no chance of a healthy and good relationship with someone else and himself. There is fear instead of love. If they discover their true selves, they would notice that Love is that they can share, giving and receiving, and that interdependence.

Wat houdt je tegen?

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Wat houdt je tegen? (What limits you throw yourself on?)

Think back to your childhood. you done any of these things?

-1-You asked a question in class and everyone laughed. It meant that you were very reluctant to ask questions, because you did not want the others you would find stupid. Even now, led you tend to avoid asking questions for fear of a negative response

-2-Your family was something dysfunctional when you were growing( developed and pull your codependent). Since then repeat those patterns. Freud called the "repetition compulsion".

-3-You were taught that request was a sign of weakness. As an adult you trying to do everything yourself(counterdependent), even though you can not touch it yourself

-4-You were brought up to believe that things would have been selfish for yourself. Giving is better than receiving taught you, you're not as able to receive, have resistance against.

-5-You said or did something that made people took you seriously. It could be a parent, teacher, classmate, if someone was in a store can zijn.Tot this day you are shy and reluctant to get attention and cooperation of others.

-6-You asked for something and you ashamed before. There you said:"How can you now ask?!'' Do not you see how hard we are?'' Do not be so selfish. "And now you feel jeschuldig if you want something for yourself

-7-You brought jezefl ever embarrassed and thought:"That makes me never happen again" Now keep your back still afraid to embarrass yourself again.

-8-You often got no response to your request. That left you with the expectation that you would get more no's, So you're reluctant not to ask anything.

-9-You were 'driven': o.a.om good to do your best in school, to excel in sports, or dance or play the piano. Your parents drove you up and let you rotate many events. as an adult, rarely ask for help and you also do not expect it, your role is the showman, the hero, the people pleaser(codependent), always looking for applause and praise.

-10-Your parents said things like:"When you're born a dime , you never get a penny "and" What will people there not thinking 'and' Just do then do you crazy enough '. This leads to codependency and thus i.a.. Low self-esteem. It strikes me that many people put their light under a bushel and not freely express their uniqueness and authenticity.

Unless you have a very rare, have had a unique upbringing you will recognize at least one of these things.

You were unconsciously programmed to feel like you do not deserve the things that can lead to scarcity in your life now.

You can reprogram yourself, by processing these events in a positive way and your self talk ', your inner dialogue positively rather than negatively to. It has everything to do with self-knowledge that you are a child of God, het universum, you all and love, attention, waardering, erkenning, respect, etc. deserve and are entitled to and that you must first give it to yourself often.

De 10 these points are in fact limits that you would create for yourself, so you can not fully live and can achieve interdependence. That inner boundaries are often difficult to observe, there is a lot of self-awareness and self-knowledge needed. We do see the speck in the eye of the other and not the beam in our own eye.

 

 

 

 

 

Het verhaal van Andrea

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Nancy Groom writes in her book "From bondage to bonding, escaping codependency’ over ene Andrea, who grew up in a dysfunctional family and already 10 age had to care for family members, as they learned that there can be only if you help. It is not surprising that she made her profession and went to help children from dysfunctional families. The people of the church where she was a member admired her for her achievements and strength and positivity and that made her ego good, they performed thereon, because she often felt misunderstood and alone. She got no help and pointed contacts with healthy people off, Only problem cases interest her.

To themselves to determine that she was too needy not only would have felt to have worked and repulsive but was even frightening to her and she ran away to her fear(as a defense of old pain, see PRI). It felt better for her to have the lead in contact with others. A therapist was the only one who saw the truth about Andrea and Andrea would be shocked if they would discover that they are actually a deep self-loathing and rage within him, which were hidden behind the outward appearance of success helper.

I also know many therapists who go up the milk when you pull them alerts on codependent, they would not hear of it and have them you 'case’ otherwise you are not interested and they want to know anything about you, There is no self-reflection and thus remain victims of their own codependent behaviors.

Moral of the story is that the mass in your "Ideally I-display 'kicks and is blind and deaf to who you really are and what the worst thing is that you yourself also blind and deaf are for. A master told about the miserable state of a leerlng without mentioning his name, when the master was pronounced the student said,:"I'm so happy that you have not me, because the person who you are describing is miserable ', so bad, we know ourselves and we believe in the role that we play instead of his real and authentic

The story about Andrea is also in my book "Other Value, over codependentie’, in April 2012 appears and a subscription price of 17,50 know instead of the normal price of 21,50, you can order it from me 1-4 a.s.

Codependentie & the Inner Child

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Ik leerde en zag dat je je Innerlijke kind op dezelfde manier behandelt zoals je ouders jou als kind hebben behandeld. In mijn geval was dat: geen aandacht ontvangen, geen liefde en koestering, ik kan me niet herinneren dat m’n ouders me ooit knuffelden, er was geen warmte. Ik werd opgevoed door dienstmeisjes, m’n ouders waren continu bezig in de slagerij en waren workaholics(en dat werd ik dus later ook! De appel valt niet ver van de boom).

Ik wist, door m’n opvoeding, niet eens van het bestaan van een Innerlijk kind, laat staan dat ik het aandacht gaf en liefhad. Charles Whitfield schrijft in z’n boek ‘Healing the child within’, dat als je je innerlijke kind niet koestert en geen aadacht geeft er een vals, onecht zelf ontstaat en dan heb je de codependentie te pakken.

Ik zat in de ontkenning dat ik uit een disfunctiuoneel gezin kwam, net als een vrouw die ik ontmoette die niet getuigde van liefdevolle aandacht voor haar innerlijke kind dus informeerde ik naar haar opvoeding hoe dat was. Ze antwoordde dat ze heel liefdevolle ouders had gehad en ik geloofde haar niet en vroeg dus door. Ik vroeg: ‘Hoe was je vader dan voor je?’ ‘O, die was er nooit’ zei ze doodleuk. Ik zei: ‘Dan ben je vreselijke in de steek gelaten en nu laat je ook je innerlijke kind in de steek!’. Het deed me goed van haar te horen dat ze nu een cursus volgt over het innerlijke kind om daar beter mee om te gaan en dat ze daar veel plezier aan beleeft.

In een disfunctioneel gezin werd je gezegd dat je niet goed genoeg bent, dat je je moet schamen, je niet zo moet zijn als je bent, etc. Je ontvangt voorwaardelijke liefde die helemaal geen liefde is en zo leert het kind codependent gedrag, namelijk dat je je moet aanpassen aan de ander en wegcijferen om ‘geliefd’ te worden, dat je de liefde van buiten mnoet krijgen. Diep van binnen voel je je de liefde niet waard omdat je ouders niet onvoorwaardelijk van je houden om wie je bent en je gaat ervan uit dat het niet aan je ouders kan liggen, maar dat het jouw fout is. Je internaliseert e.e.a. en dan ontstaat de innerlijke criticus die zegt dat je niet oké bent, niet goed genoeg. Er is veel verdrongen woede in het kind omdat het niet de liefde, warmte, waardering, erkenning en aandacht krijgt waar het behoefte aan heeft, en die woede is verdrongen omdat je ouders woede verbieden tenminste dat denk je

Ik schrijf op het moment het boek ‘woedemotivatrie & codepenentie over dit interessante onderwerp. In het disfunctiuonele gezin mag je je sowieso niet vrijelijk uiten. Niet praten, niet voelen, niet vragen is de regel. Tegenstrijdige regels opvolgen is het credo en dat is heel verwarrend en vervreemdend voor het kind dat niet leert te vertrouwen op z’n eigen waarneming en dan wordt het kind onecht ontwikkelt het een vals zelf, Whitfield heeft gelijk.

Nu is het van groot belang dat we zelf een liefhebbende ouder en volwassene voor ons innerlijke kind worden. Het innerlijke kind zal zich niet meteen openbaren het is kopschuw en achterdochtig geworden na zoveel traumatische ervaringen met ouders, volwassen en met jou

De dialoog met je innerlijke kind blijven aangaan, net zolang tot er contact komt en dan tot integratie komen om het kind mee te laten doen en ruimte te geven. Stel ook vragen wat het wil, waar het bang voor is, etc. Je zult als mens vrolijker, speelser, spontaner, authentieker en wijzer worden als het innerlijke kind meedoet en volledig en onvoorwaardelijk geaccepteerrd wordt. De Bijbel zegt het ook:’ Word als de kinderen en je zult het koninkrijk God’s binnengaan’…

Je innerlijke ouder kan je innerlijke kind geven waar het behoefte aan heeft en nooit gekregen heeft, dat is de weg naar heel worden. In de Transactionele Analyse kennen we ook de rollen Ouder-Volwassene-Kind en bij veel mensen is het kind afgescheiden van de ouder en volwassene, dat kenmerkt zich door overdreven serieusheid en zwaarmoedigheid en ernstig gedrag. Voltaire zei: ‘Ik beschouw ernst als een ziekte’. Osho wees er ook al op dat je feest mag vieren en speels mag zijn en daar heb je je innerlijke kind bij nodig. Wordt niet kinderachtig maar kinderlijk en speels, het kind kent de lerende capaciteit, stelt veel vragen, heeft interesse, is creatief, heeft energie, is echt, vergevingsgezind, etc., etc.. Dat zijn toch mooie kwaliteiten die zeer de moeite waard zijn en het leven tot Leven maken.

Voeg niet alleen jaren toe aan je leven maar Leven aan je jaren is een uitspraak die ik ooit las. Ik zat vele jaren in een beschermende een afwerende houding en verdedigde uit en dan kun je niets over jezelf leren, geen zelfkennis opdoen, terwijl ik mezelf wijsmaakte dat ik mezelf kende(-)

Het kind weet dat het nog niet weet net als de wijze Socrates die zei: ‘Nu weet ik dat ik niets weet’. en dat is en vruchtbare houding om tot wijsheid te komen, want dan ga je onderzoeken en leer je veel. Het is zelfs zo dat als je geen open en lerende houding hebt je per definitie in een afschermende en beschermende houding zit en alles vastzet en rigide bent.

Pas na m’n crisis in 1992 merkte ik dat er veel mis met me was en ging ik aan de slag met mezelf ik deed hetzelfde als Melody Beattie die ook niet begrepen werd door haar therapeuten, ook zij werd haar eigen therapeut en expert op het gebied van codependentie.