How did you discover your codependency?

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Je ontdekt je codependentie door zelfreflectie en dat doen niet veel mensen. Confucius zei:’Helaas, ik heb nog geen mens gezien die zijn gebreken heeft kunnen bemerken en er zich innerlijk over gegispt heeft’. Je schaduwkanten durven zien, ofwel de waarheid over jezelf te durven zien. Nietzsche zei:’Hoeveel waarheid kan een mens verdragen, how much truth he ventures?!’. Freud zei:"People are better than they know, but worse than they think '

” Viewing the personal madness of course means the beginning
mental health becoming,
the beginning of healing and transcendence.”
Eckhart Tolle
Let me now speak only for myself, How I discovered my codependency?. It was initiated by a crisis, thus I became aware that I had not really lived and had many delusions, that brought me to reflect and open to new information. I followed a course went counseling specialization in CIVAS and two classes about codependency. There was to know at a definition:"Brought up in a dysfunctional family, with little or no love, warmte, nurturing, waardering,etc. and self-esteem depends on external sources ".. There also some signs enumerated and I saw it all around me, almost everyone I knew had attract codependent. I wrote the book "Mirror are" subtitled "your environment is the mirror of yourself 'and then understood that what I saw in my area was myself, that was my codependency, a revelation that was. Since then I'm really engrossed in codependency and have more than 100 English books studied.

You discover your codependency if you are open to the flaws in yourself. Rumi zei:"He who finds no flaws in himself is his own worst enemy," and I believe him, was my own enemy. Be open to your dark side and do not think you know yourself, then you put everything down and you become rigid, star..

A codependency test is also an opportunity to discover your codependency. In my booklet "An Introduction to codependency 'is a comprehensive test, can be found on my website www.hennybos.com.

If you can answer some of these questions with yes think,feel and / or trading you probably codependent:

-you are always ready for another?

-dare you say no?

-lets you violate your limits?

-you want to control?

-you have low self-esteem?

-your needs are not as important as that of another?

-You grew up in a family with little or no attention, erkenning, waardering, nurturing, warmth and love?

-You accept things that are not really acceptable?

-take the responsibility of the other on your shoulders?

-you are a 'people pleaser'?

-you feel guilty soon if you do not help others / saves?

-did you find it difficult to say no?

-Looking always for approval?

-You can find the opinion of others about you is more important than your own opinion of yourself?

You are not codependent, but you do. It is learned behavior and can therefore largely unlearned again.

Denial is one of the core brands of codependency. You simply deny that the family, whence you sprang was dysfunctional, your relationship with your partner and / or friends is dysfunctional, your relationship with yourself is dysfunctional. We are all perfectly imperfect and so there is always something going on, am so open to that. I know people who almost all questions asked above can answer yes and yet do nothing, take any action, such poor self-care they…

Hoe kom je van je codependentie af?

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I say with Melody Beattie that you can get away with self-knowledge and awareness of codependency. Self-knowledge can be acquired in many ways, There are many roads that lead to Rome and thus choose the path that suits you, you feel that often intuitively.

My friend Peter de Kock said on 24 november 2011 the article "How to get from from codependency off" on his blog / site www.peterdekock.nl. He has written several recommendations i.a.. de 12 stappen, spiegelogie, keep a diary, speaking circles, family constellations, meditatie, the work, geweldloze communicatie, etc.

Jung zei:"We are not illuminated by light figures ask us for but we are aware of the darkness in our ', een waardevol advies, as we are often codependent, zonder dat te beseffen, our own worst enemy. Freud zei:"We are better than we know, but worse than we think, "and that is because of the idealized self-image that we usually keep in because we can not stand our real self, it seems to help, but in reality we may therefore our real self no longer stand and turn us against ourselves.

I have benefited greatly from, among others: attitudinal healing discussion group, psychosynthese, intuitive development, PRI(Past Reality Integration), Mindfulness, The Work van Byron Katie, Ho’oponopono, study and meditation

A good way to find out your unconscious shadow side to pinpoint what annoys and irritates other people, these are the qualities in yourself that you do not want to see and then project into the other, so you get the other to blame your woes. What Peter says about Paul puts more about Peter than about Paul.

Indeed, even the worst things people say about you contain some truth…over hen!

What makes you angry is often a trigger for old, unresolved pain from the past that is now seen and may be healed.

If you sit with anything that perhaps the defense of old pain Ingeborg Bosch Denial of needs' calls, tell you that there is nothing wrong with you and that someone else has it worse and that you do not need help, you then no loving attention to yourself.

Let go and forgive, is what life's work, is also very good to combat the tendency codependent control. Repetition Compulsion named Freud as the cause of much misery. The surrender is the greatest victory, Thy will be done, it is then.

I would also say: Not only do nice, but his nice. The codependent is often wanting to be the people pleaser of calculation to be liked, it works very often you because you do not even like yourself and so it flips.

Nice instead of just doing. Mindfulness also talks about the doing mode to go its mode and there nice recommendations that are worth.

Never be afraid of truth and be honest to yourself. Truth shall make you say the Bible, but my experience is that truth can often furious first can. Thich Nhat Hanh zegt: "Embrace your anger ', see it as a signal messenger a lesson to learn more about yourself come to know. Nietzsche zei: ‘Hoeveel waarheid kan een mens verdragen, how much he ventures'.

Is aardig zijn codependentie?

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Is aardig zijn codependentie?

My answer is that it may be true when calculating behavior(I will come back there), but also can not be true when it comes from awareness and a good self-esteem and friends with yourself, So be nice instead of just doing.

If you feel connected to your fellow man, you kind to yourself and for the other without codependent.

There are also people who think differently. During a group meeting Anonymous codependents brought a woman with tasty cookies for everyone and proved to be a delicious cookie with coffee and tea. She was codependent conduct alleged…For me it's just being kind to others.

Also at Anonymous codependents was a woman holding a handkerchief handed to another woman who was crying this was labeled as codependent behavior, for me it's just compassionate, attentive, friendly and kind behavior..

How should we deal with nice people is sometimes a problem. We can if anyone suspect what he wants from us, what is rather suspicious. Not so long ago there were even commercials on TV about how to deal with friendly and nice people an omen that.

If you are nice with just the goal to want to be liked is to my mind calculating and manipulative behavior, and you're a codependent people pleaser. Then you're off to control the behavior of others because you feel dependent on his opinion about you and therefore have every interest to send it.

Another nice not need me to find, that's totally his case if he is willing. Besides, I'm not always nice and can be sometimes rude and insulting and have many facets. Elly find me sweet and kind because they themselves are. It takes one to know one. You can only acknowledge and recognize what you know yourself.

I once attended yoga classes with Christy, a friend of mine. She did everything with great care and was very kind to us and even so nice that she came to the end of the session in our sleeping bags cover, a very loving action of her that I will not forget. Now Christy leads a group counselors to be friendlier to humans, The counselors are required by their employer to follow the lessons of Christy, is as hard apparently needed.

If you're nice, you do not have to do then it comes naturally, it stems from your nature and essence. If you do kind you do not, but it is a good beginning, "Fake it till you make it" say Americans.

My experience is that there are always people who will react negatively to kind and friendly behavior, and do not know what they have to be lit thereby, this happens when love hurts and is not valued, that's their problem, I unsolicited not get me will interfere and my problem will

Daniel sings Lohues: Aordig do veur people who do not aordig, because they're the hardest neudig '. You've got a point. If someone responds to unkind kind of behavior you, do not be by that behavior facing down draw by also do unkind, stay yourself.

A waiter was very nice and kind to a grumpy, grumpy millionaire, which the waiter mistreated and even insulted. Despite all the waiter was nice and friend eijk and after a week the millionaire asked amazed how he still managed to do. The waiter said his character was now once A friendly and nice and that he was destroyed by none. The miljionair was so impressed that he had a job as a manager in one of its hotels and the waiter offered 5000 dollar gave tip.

” It's nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice” – unknown

A Haiku about his odd that I invented:

You're doing very nice

but are not yourself

so codependent

 

Some quotes about being nice:

A man gives himself a lot of misery by so much wanting to be liked. – Miep Diekmann

We find someone nice, because. We love someone, although. – Henry de Montherlant

” If you you're kind to yourself it for another, you treat others as you yourself and your inner child deals” – Henny Bos

DVD lectures codependency

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The DVD 6 short lectures on codependency is off

The topics covered are:

-Questions and definitions

-How do you find your codependency

-the drama triangle

-the dysfunctional family

-helpaholics

-controle en codependentie

The DVD requires an investment of 15 euro incl.verzendkosten

People pleasers & codependentie

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Please, please me like I please you, zingen de Beatles

People pleasers zijn meestal codependente mensen die voor hun gevoelens van eigenwaarde afhankelijk zijn van anderen en er dus alle belang bij hebben om het gedrag van die anderen te beïnvloeden en zelfs (onbewust) te controleren door ze te pleasen en zo gunstig proberen te stemmen.

De codependent komt uit een disfunctioneel gezin en is opgevoed met weinig of geen warmte, attention, erkenning, waardering, liefde en koestering en zoekt dat dus nu dwangmatig van buiten bij anderen met het (foutieve) idee dat de ander zal geven wat ze zo hard nodig hebben en zichzelf niet kunnen of weten te geven.

Ze voelen zich vooral aangetrokken tot egocentrische en narcistische partners die alleen aan zichzelf denken en dat komt goed uit want de codependent denkt ook niet aan zichzelf maar aan de ander en wordt dus door z’n partner gespiegeld. Het gebrek aan eigenwaarde zal door de narcistische partner alleen maar bevestigd worden.

Met pleasen proberen ze hun partner gunstig te stemmen en een wit voetje te halen en het is dus berekenend gedrag. De peoplepleaser doet lief maar is het niet, zeker niet voor zichzelf. M’n vriend Peter de Kock (www.peterdekock.nl) zegt dat codependentie in oorlog zijn is met jezelf en wordt daarin gesteund door vele wijze auteurs die ons erop wijzen dat we vaak onze eigen vijand zijn zonder dat te weten.

“Niets maakt ons laffer en gewetenlozer dan de zucht om door alle mensen bemind te worden.”
– Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach Oostenrijks schrijfster 1830-1916

Ik was voor m’n crisis ook erg codependent en een mister nice guy, een echte people pleaser, maar kwam daarmee niet verder dan oppervlakkige contacten, omdat ik niet mezelf was, geen eigenwaarde had, niet authentiek was. Ik was erg uit op effectbejag en manipuleerde en probeerde de ander te controleren, omdat zijn of haar gedachten over mij door mij belangrijker werden gevonden dan m’n eigen gedachten over mezelf. Ik had er dus alle belang bij om e.e.a. te sturen.

Na m’n crisis in 1992 zag ik in dat ik m’n eigen vijand was geweest. Mary J Blige, de hip-hop zangeres zingt het mooi in haar nummer ‘No more drama’: ‘The enemy was me!!’

Als je altijd en door iedereen aardig gevonden wilt worden is dat een zekere weg naar mislukking, teleurstelling, afwijzing en zelfmisleiding. Loesje zegt het heel mooi: ‘Wees jezelf want er zijn al genoeg anderen’, een wijs advies dat ik zeker ter harte neem en graag doorgeef.